Hidden power
I have noticed in the past week that I often have double standards. I am usually such a patient person when it comes to listening to others. I am much more comfortable with the stories and experiences of others than I am with my own, thus making it much easier for me to listen to the ramblings of others. In my psychology studies I learnt (over and over again) how important it is to listen and to "reflect feelings" and to "put yourself in the other's shoes" etc. But often it seems that this doesn't apply when it comes to those that are closest to me.
When I am presented with a problem by a loved-one, I seem to want to fix it. My mind is filled with things to say, such as "You don't have to feel like that!" or "Why don't you do this?" or "Why don't you think of it in this way?". It's like I do the exact opposite of what I would do with others - friends, acquaintance, strangers.
When I feel down or have a problem, I really really appreciate it people just listen to me first - when they hear what I am feeling and when they just agree with me that this is a bad situation. Often it is just enough to be able to express myself, to say everything that is on my heart and mind, to vent. Catharsis. I don't need people to fix things for me. That'll come later. At first I just need to know that there is someone that knows what I am going through and that understands me and allows me to feel crap.
With all of this knowledge, I am still a self-confessed-fix-it.
But that is going to stop.
The other day when my husband presented with a problem, I just listened. It was really hard, and I had to stop myself from saying a million and one fix-it tips. But it worked. Even though I still felt a little hopeless for not being able to "help", my husband felt that I was really supporting him and that it was OK to feel the way he did.
I think often we are so anxious to fill the air with words when someone is presenting us with their suffering. We just want to make it OK. I know this is probably old news for most of you. It was definitely nothing new for me. Yet I was still managed to do it wrong with the most important people in my life.
3 comments:
Nothing wrong with trying to help others Gnome. It's natural and instinctive to want to help others - something many people would do well to adopt. I think it's great that you want to help others as long as you don't wear yourself out though!
I know what you mean, I always feel like I have to give a solution to make the person feel a little bit less stressed, it's so hard to just let them be distraught.
Although, if I am asked for an opinion and help, I will give my honest opinion, I am definitely not one to tell you what you want to hear, unless I actually agree with you. Now mind you I don't do it in a mean way, I just give my thoughts when asked.
But as Toby said,don't wear yourself out.... I use to get too emotionally invested in other peoples problems, but now I try to keep my emotions out of it and look at it from outside the box.
I totally agree Toby and LT. You need to look after yourself. You have to be really careful about whose emotional baggage you decide to help carry. Also used to be very bad with that. Thank goodness have become a lot more choosy lately...
But when it comes to my husband... There's really no question about it. Our emotions are so intertwined. It's good to just listen to him sometimes and not try to fix everything - it's probably more helpful anyway :-)
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