Personality test

Have you ever had your personality mapped out on a grid? It all seems so simple when you look at that line - rising and falling according to your different traits... Your personality a bunch of peaks and troughs.

I did the test about a year ago - it was part of our marriage prep. But since pastors are very busy people, we only received the results last night. I was rather surprised at some it... Instead of the calm, tranquil and relaxed person I thought I was, the test reflected that (at the time of the test), I was rather nervous and anxious. Perhaps the stress of organising a wedding was getting to me? Or the worry of what I was going to do with my life after the wedding; the weight of having to be the bread-winner without the surety of a stable job...?

Another surprising trend was the high score I got on the depressive scale. I thought I was much more optimistic than the threatening line suggests. Perhaps this was due to the same reasons as mentioned above?

The rest was rather predictable. And pleasant. Except the submissive scale. Yes. News flash. I am very submissive. According to my personality trait test from last year that is. My husband was rather quick to point out that I am most definitely not submissive with him. But I know this is something that I have to work on. I am sometimes a bit of a push over. And a people pleaser. I don't say no as much as I should. And I often don't have the courage to tell my closest friends how I really feel. Yay for blogs for helping me express myself without having to do it face to face.

But I do think I have changed in the past year. A lot. I've been forced to be more assertive. I have to phone people to tell them to pay their accounts for crying out loud. And I got married. Marriage tests you, and stretches you and brings out the best and the worst in you. Marriage is the biggest life lesson, second only to having children (I assume).

It's funny... I think a year ago I would have probably taken this test very seriously. Now I kind of take from it what is useful to me. I see it more like a snap shot of how I felt that day, not a condemnation of all that I should improve. I mean, of course you can always improve, but somehow I seem to be at peace with who I am at the moment. Faults and all.

Mmh. It feels really good to say that.

It matters to me

People often say "Don't worry about what others think of you!", or "Why do you pay so much attention to what other people say about you?".

They make it sound so very easy. I find it very hard. Actually impossible a lot of the time.

Regardless of how good I feel about myself, my abilities, my choices and decisions, if someone (almost anyone) questions any of these, it matters. Things that I am convinced of, in which I am rooted, suddenly seem shaky*. I try to think back to times when I had such surety about these things. Suddenly I'm not so sure anymore. What was it again that made this so real, tangible and true for me? I find it especially hard to try to defend my choices and abilities. Even if what the person is saying is utterly ridiculous and just has no base in truth whatsoever, I am still taken aback for a while.

Only after I've discussed it with my husband, and thought it through a couple of times do I come to the realisation that they were, in fact, wrong.

What I do find rather curious is that when it's a compliment that I am given, it doesn't carry nearly as much weight as a criticism or a negative comment. For weeks, months (sometimes even years) I've carried around certain negative comments. Most days they are invisible - often buried deep as if they're not even there. It's only on certain days that they seem to haunt me again.

And that's when the comments come. "Don't worry about what others think about you! Don't pay attention to what they say!".

It's just not that easy folks.

Granted, I have gotten much better over the years. There were times in my life when my entire self esteem was built and depended on external sources. Imagine! I felt good when someone complimented me, I felt bad when someone (anyone) as much as breathed a comment that I could construe into something negative (10 to 1, it was probably not even meant that way). It was an emotional roller coaster from day to day. The unsurety of it all. When I look back now I see how unstable it all was. I am so much more rooted now. I know myself a lot better, and actually believe in myself enough to be able to assess the situation, and make up my mind as to whether this is something I want to listen to, assimilate and act upon or not.

But not before it has shaken things up a little. My mind likes to think the best of others, but always the worst of myself at first.

Recently, people really seem to be questioning what I have planned for the future. Immediately afterwards, I always seem to experience a bit of a dip. But after thinking about it, and discussing it with (wonderful-and-always-willing-to-listen-to-my-moaning) hubby, I realise that the people making the comments don't know me very well, and don't know where I am at: emotionally, spiritually, cognitively.

I guess the longer you live, the more time you have to deal with your insecurities, and discover who you really are, without having to depend on feedback from other people...

*The ONLY things in my life that cannot be shaken are my faith and my decision to marry my husband.

Issues

Don't you hate recurring issues? I do. Not necessarily in others, but in myself. When I think about my life and the times when I've had "issues", it usually boils down to the same thing.

I wonder if all people are like this...

The bottom line is always the same. There are one or two things in my life that are the root of all of my issues. No matter how different the presenting problem is, the deep issue is the same. It's all about love and acceptance isn't it. Whether it's relationship problems, self-esteem issues, any other insecurities - the bottom line is that I am scared of being rejected (not accepted), and not being loved.

I think I have just solved the world's problems.

Your front row

My colleague handed me a print-out of a story she had once received. It was lying on my desk for a while until I picked it up out of boredom and read.

This is, in a nutshell, what it said:

If your life were happening in a theatre, your life playing out on the stage, who would be in your front row? Do you have people in your life that drain you, that are a negative influence on you? Sometimes you need to love people from a distance. Sometimes people need to be on the balcony of your theatre. You should have people in your front row that lift you up, that make you feel special, that support you, and that are a positive influence in your life.

Even though this is something that I think we generally know, it encouraged me to think anew of my friendships. What do I really get out of them? Are there people that I spend time with that just make me feel like I have nothing to offer them, and that they are doing me a favor by being friends with me? Are there people who I feel obliged to be friends with when, in actual fact, I get nothing in return? Are there people I am friends with out of convenience, where the friendship is actually empty and meaningless?

Even though I have done some pruning in past few years in terms of friends, I could still identify some friendships that are empty and actually pull me down.

The question is, will I ever have the courage to end them, or would I rather have friendships that pull me down, than no friendships at all...?

Lesson

I learnt something today. Actually it's more that I uncovered something inside that I already knew.

Sometimes it's not wise to look too far into the future. I know we're all about planning ahead, and saving for the future and all that, but at some point in your life it is profitable to do something for now. For the short-term. To do something that will benefit you in the next 2 years, not to look out for the next 20.

This revelation has been so freeing for me today. Suddenly the pressure to decide on what I want to do "for the rest of my life" is lifted. It's OK to not be sure of my career path right now. I can be content with where I am at the moment, without feeling bad that "I am destined for bigger things".

Life suddenly seems so much simpler and rather uncomplicated.

Hope this feeling lasts.

Hidden power

I have noticed in the past week that I often have double standards. I am usually such a patient person when it comes to listening to others. I am much more comfortable with the stories and experiences of others than I am with my own, thus making it much easier for me to listen to the ramblings of others. In my psychology studies I learnt (over and over again) how important it is to listen and to "reflect feelings" and to "put yourself in the other's shoes" etc. But often it seems that this doesn't apply when it comes to those that are closest to me.

When I am presented with a problem by a loved-one, I seem to want to fix it. My mind is filled with things to say, such as "You don't have to feel like that!" or "Why don't you do this?" or "Why don't you think of it in this way?". It's like I do the exact opposite of what I would do with others - friends, acquaintance, strangers.

When I feel down or have a problem, I really really appreciate it people just listen to me first - when they hear what I am feeling and when they just agree with me that this is a bad situation. Often it is just enough to be able to express myself, to say everything that is on my heart and mind, to vent. Catharsis. I don't need people to fix things for me. That'll come later. At first I just need to know that there is someone that knows what I am going through and that understands me and allows me to feel crap.

With all of this knowledge, I am still a self-confessed-fix-it.

But that is going to stop.

The other day when my husband presented with a problem, I just listened. It was really hard, and I had to stop myself from saying a million and one fix-it tips. But it worked. Even though I still felt a little hopeless for not being able to "help", my husband felt that I was really supporting him and that it was OK to feel the way he did.

I think often we are so anxious to fill the air with words when someone is presenting us with their suffering. We just want to make it OK. I know this is probably old news for most of you. It was definitely nothing new for me. Yet I was still managed to do it wrong with the most important people in my life.