Mrs M is my hero

I’ve had such a magnificent day today. My husband has pulled out ALL the stops to make my day unforgettable. Not only did he arrange a surprise birthday party for me on the weekend (without me knowing about it! Which is RARE – I have a radar of note), but he got up at 4:30 this morning to prepare a delectable dip for an array of exotic fruits (cherries, strawberries, kiwis, grapes etc) for breakfast. He decorated the house with balloons and got me the most amazing gifts. A good book, a gift voucher for a reflexology treatment at a spa place, a new pair of running shorts etc etc. All of them were thoughtfully selected as only my husband can.

Then at work I was sung to and had a peppermint cream cake bought for me. And I got lovely gifts from my colleagues! Not to mention the numerous SMSes and Facebook messages.

I went home for lunch excited as to what delicacy my wonderful husband was whipping up. He handed me a Fast Mail envelope on the way to the flat. I saw it was Mrs M’s handwriting. I was really touched that she had gone to the effort of writing me a nice card. I carefully opened the pink envelope and studied the cute picture on the front of the birthday card. The card felt fat, as if she had put something extra into the card. I opened it up and there it was. After waiting for 7 months, sending people and going back to the wretched place over and over, trying in vain to phone them over and over, and literally having to put my life on hold, I was finally holding it in my hand. My green ID document with my married name.

I SCREAMED!

Literally screamed. My husband was shocked at my outburst, people were staring… But I didn’t care. Mrs M. You are my hero today. I just had no idea. I thought I would be waiting at least another few weeks. I just can’t believe I have that thing in my hands at last.

Mrs M – THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any better, you trumped it. I love you!! This has been the best birthday of my entire LIFE!

Pillow Talk

The most profound conversations seem to happen in the dying minutes of our waking hours. While my husband tries (in vain) to look for stars though the open window, and I fight with the duvet and pillows for the most comfortable spot, we seem to veer into realms of existential and profound discussions.

At times we’ll talk about theology or psychology. Often we discuss people. Our friends, our enemies. We try to figure out what makes them tick, what effect their pasts have had on their present. We try to understand people’s behaviour, their personalities, their reactions. Sometimes we get angry and say nasty things which we later regret and retract… But mostly we are trying to figure people out – fit all the wayward pieces of the puzzle together.

A lot of the time we are trying to figure ourselves out. We talk about our past, our deepest hurts, our sadness, our weaknesses, our spiritual journeys; our frustrations, our joys… We try to make sense of our moods, thoughts and emotions. We encourage each other, support each other, we hold hands and say how proud we are of each other and how much the other has to offer the world. We are mirrors to the other – gently exposing areas that need work, and encouraging each other’s strengths. I get my hair stroked and he gets his back scratched.

This is what I love about marriage. This is exactly what I signed up for when I said “Yes” to him. I can’t even imagine my life without these magic times…

VICTORY!

It’s really all everyone’s talking about at the moment. Every blog I’ve read today had something to do with the victory. Oh it was just so awesome. I sat on the edge of my seat for 80 minutes. I had a dry mouth and was filing my nails so profusely I’m surprised there’s still something left of them. When the final whistle blew we sat in silence for a few seconds before we screamed. It was just so surreal. We drove through the streets (took a while to find some life – this is PMB after all), and hooted at each other, screamed and waved.

Wow. What a rush! Flags and people hanging out of car windows. I giggled with glee every time a fellow South African returned our hooting. It was as though we suddenly all just knew each other. A great big family. This nation has so much spirit, so much joy, so much to offer… For once the differences were forgotten and all cultures celebrated together for one common reason. It was just magic. It’s at times like these where I really see how the scourge of crime is spoiling an otherwise incredible nation.

Being in the shops on Sunday I heard so many conversations between shop employees about where they had been the night before, how they celebrated, how wonderful the victory and the vibe had been… This nation is on such a high right now.

My personal high is a little over-shadowed by my sick husband. He really is miserable and suffering at the moment. It’s terrible when you see the person that you love more than anyone else in the world suffering, and you are powerless to do anything about it. He’s been booked off for a week. I hope he recovers before our weekend to Cape Town. I swear its stress causing all this. My husband has been seriously ill (I don’t mean sick-but-still-able-to-work kind of sick. I mean seriously-ill-in-bed-booked-off kind of sick) 3 times this year already. That’s just not normal. Something’s wrong here…

So a friend of a friend got married on Saturday afternoon. They left the wedding ceremony at 19:30. I had to wonder what they were doing at 21:00. I mean, it was their wedding night after all... But also the rugby world cup final… Decisions decisions…

Husband Antics

I should have known from the naughty look in his eyes. I should have known from the way he urged me to switch the light off so quickly. I really should know my husband by now. But I genuinely didn't expect a thing until my elbow connected with a soft, cold fabric, and a noise frightened me. I let out a yelp. It was only when my husband's near hysterical laughter reached my ears that I realised it was all planned. Cold, calculated and deliberate. And I fell for it beautifully.

My husband really loves his new whoopee cushion.

Enough

I wish I could give a certain someone a piece of my mind right now. And a slap.

I've really had enough.

This whole year a certain individual has been the cause of most of my husband's lamentations. I'd forgive you for (initially) thinking that it's maybe something he has done, or his attitude towards things, but the other people who are in the same situation as he is, feel exactly the same. Unmotivated, treated like school children, undermined, unsupported, and most importantly spiritually malnourished (in other words, bloody spiritually starving).

This whole year I've had to sit by and watch how this individual slowly but surely chips away at my husband's self esteem. I have even confronted this person about this issue, but somehow the blame was diverted. The worst part is that I just don't think that this person gets it. I don't think she grasps that she might be doing something harmful. We've tried to explain, but to no avail.

I am just so frustrated right now. I've had enough. I want this abuse to stop. I want her to know what we're going through - what my husband is going through, what I am going through. I want to make her see that what she says actually hurts. I want her to be in my husband's shoes; in mine.

I've been praying for a long time for God to change her heart. I'm so ready for God to answer my prayers right now.

Social phobia

Before I met my husband, I thought I must be the only person on the planet that deliberately tries to avoid people in public places (mostly shopping centres), just to stay away from embarrassing one minute pointless conversations. Obviously I was wrong. Together, my husband and I go to great lengths to duck & dive in the aisles of Checkers (or whatever shop we are in at the time), intensely and animatedly discussing the pros and cons of oven baked chips, just to avoid being detected.

One unfortunate incident happened in the aisles of Pick 'n Pay. We hurried away from the clutches (and eyes) of an irritating fellow student, who just does not shut up (plus he has this annoying habit of bumming lifts off you at the most inconvenient times), but this hawk eye had seen us and finally tracked us down (he followed us all the way to the detergents aisle!), rudely interrupting our important dialogue about toilet cleaners.

Just yesterday, while shopping, my husband was caught off-guard by his (ex) landlord. I had thankfully gone looking for some juice, and when I saw (from a distance) what was happening, I spent the next 10 minutes closely investigating the frozen fish (found some good specials too).

And then today, a guy walked into the shop looking rather very much like a guy I once dated. I was in the back in a flash, carefully examining the books that had come in (turning them over and over in my hands), going to the bathroom to wash my hands (a few times), and looking at paperwork (that was not mine) just to avoid an awkward reunion*.

Sometimes it is unavoidable though. Often you see the familiar face too late, and you cannot run and hide. My husband and I then employ the "I'm in a hurry" tactic. Instead of stopping to say hello (and enduring the ensuing awkwardness), it is just much safer to acknowledge that you have seen the people, give a polite "hello" (and even a wave for effect), while still on the move. This seems to be the perfect strategy. You are not being rude to the people, yet at the same time you are avoiding any awkwardness.

I am just really grateful I have found someone that shares my dislike of awkward social interactions.

*I'm not even sure that it was him, but I definitely wasn't going to take a chance!

Can't have my cake and eat it

For weeks (maybe even months) I tried to enthuse my husband into reading Harry Potter. He wasn't really interested in that, he said, adding that it was just a children's story. I wanted him to read it because, firstly, I think it's a great story with an excellent story-line, wonderful characters and lessons to be learnt. Secondly, I couldn't stand not being able to talk to him about Harry and friends, especially after reading the 7th book. But after subtle threats and pleading, he finally agreed to read at least the first one*.

But (thanks to J K Rowling's magic writing) he found the first book interesting, and sped through the following 4 books (this was during his holiday, so he had ample time). By the time I had just finished the last book, he was finishing the 5th**.

Since then he has been so busy that Harry Potter has just not been on his to-do list. But last week he finally started the 6th book (after some skilled and subtle coaxing). He was reading a little a day, making good progress.

So last night it was raining. I love it when it rains. I love snuggling up to my husband and feeling safe and warm and content. I left my husband in the lounge at around 10 (in Harry's world) and traipsed off to bed. After not being able to sleep for a few minutes (being a little cold without husband), I returned to the lounge to get an extra blanket.

"Are you cold?" he asked (sympathetically)
"I don't have a husband to keep me warm." I said (a little too sulkily and guilt-inducing)***
I fell asleep shortly afterwards, slightly resenting the empty, husbandless bed (and Harry for keeping us apart) and only woke up at 2:30 when my husband finally slipped into bed. He had finished the whole book, couldn't put it down.

Mmh.

Why can't I have my cake AND eat it...?

*I think he did it mainly it shut me up.
**Just in time to watch the 5th movie!
***Really nasty now that I think about it...

Hidden power

I have noticed in the past week that I often have double standards. I am usually such a patient person when it comes to listening to others. I am much more comfortable with the stories and experiences of others than I am with my own, thus making it much easier for me to listen to the ramblings of others. In my psychology studies I learnt (over and over again) how important it is to listen and to "reflect feelings" and to "put yourself in the other's shoes" etc. But often it seems that this doesn't apply when it comes to those that are closest to me.

When I am presented with a problem by a loved-one, I seem to want to fix it. My mind is filled with things to say, such as "You don't have to feel like that!" or "Why don't you do this?" or "Why don't you think of it in this way?". It's like I do the exact opposite of what I would do with others - friends, acquaintance, strangers.

When I feel down or have a problem, I really really appreciate it people just listen to me first - when they hear what I am feeling and when they just agree with me that this is a bad situation. Often it is just enough to be able to express myself, to say everything that is on my heart and mind, to vent. Catharsis. I don't need people to fix things for me. That'll come later. At first I just need to know that there is someone that knows what I am going through and that understands me and allows me to feel crap.

With all of this knowledge, I am still a self-confessed-fix-it.

But that is going to stop.

The other day when my husband presented with a problem, I just listened. It was really hard, and I had to stop myself from saying a million and one fix-it tips. But it worked. Even though I still felt a little hopeless for not being able to "help", my husband felt that I was really supporting him and that it was OK to feel the way he did.

I think often we are so anxious to fill the air with words when someone is presenting us with their suffering. We just want to make it OK. I know this is probably old news for most of you. It was definitely nothing new for me. Yet I was still managed to do it wrong with the most important people in my life.

Broken pizza machine

So on Sunday night, when my husband had returned safely, we decided to go out to eat to celebrate our anniversary. We went to Primi which we'd never been to but had heard loads of good things about. It was pretty empty which suited us down to the ground. Before we went in we asked the waitress about the food, and she recommended the pizza - she said there were 8 slices in a pizza and it was really good. So we sat and admired the decor, stared into each others eyes and had philosophical discussions about pain. We started out with cocktails. After sitting for half an hour, we decided to look at the menu. But since we had our heart set on pizza right from the beginning, it was easy to choose one of the great pizzas available. When the waitress came and my husband asked for the Calzone, she said:

"Oh sorry! The pizza machine is broken. We don't have any pizzas today."

Mmh. Surely this is something you tell your customers? Even if the pizza machine only broke after we had asked about the pizzas, I think you should let your customers know to avoid any problems. Our waitress even suggested we have a burger instead... Um. No thanks. We want pizza.
So we left and went to Panarottis instead.
It was so worth it.

6 months

I can hardly believe it, but it's our 6 month anniversary today. To think that 6 months ago I was sitting at the hairdresser under a rather uncomfortable dryer... Even though it feels like just yesterday that we said those vows, I just can't imagine life without my angel anymore. These 6 months have been full of wonderful moments, as well as more challenging ones. I can't imagine a better husband or a better first 6 months of marriage...

Husbandless

I SERIOUSLY take my hat off (I nearly wrote: take my fat off) to the likes of Mrs M and LT that spend a lot of time (all of their time in the case of Mrs M) away from their husbands. It's been one day and I am pining for him. When I came home from work yesterday it felt like I might as well stay at work since I'm not going home to much. It was rather depressing! And I keep checking my phone to see if he's sent me a msg.

Maybe I'm really feeling it because most of our friends are on holiday, so the only people I see are my colleagues at work. I think I should use this time to do some introspection, spend more time with God, paint my toenails, clean up the kitchen cupboards... Or something. LUCKILY I located one lone friend that is still here, so I'm having dinner with her tonight. Whew.

How do people cope with this?

The little things

After having lunch every day, my husband and I usually have a lie down for a few minutes until I have to go back to work. This afternoon as I lay down, I came across a piece of paper that had been stashed under my pillow. Curiously I removed it. In big black letters my husband had written "I love you so much my angel", and all around in red he had written little words from "our" language, and words and phrases that warmed my heart. And as I looked at his familiar and handsome face, I felt close to tears, and I just couldn't help feeling incredibly lucky. I have the best man in the world. It's these little things that make our marriage extraordinary.

Marriage and relationships revisited

My husband and I have been watching how marriages of friends are slowly falling apart around us. It's scary. People so often seem to choose the wrong life partners. Or maybe they choose partners for the wrong reasons. People are getting married later and later in their lives. You see people in their 30s that are still single. Maybe this is why they rush into something? The mere thought of staying on the shelf is too ghastly to contemplate that they would rather marry the wrong person (or their 3rd or 4th choice) than be single.

We've noticed that often people enter into relationships because the other person makes them feel good and needed, a self-confidence booster as it were. I'm not saying my husband doesn't do these things for me, but first and foremost I am totally and utterly in love with the person that he is. I love spending time with him because I love his heart and his soul, his personality, his wisdom, his mind: everything about him. The fact that he makes me feel good and is a confidence-booster for me is an added bonus, but it is not the reason I am with him.

I think people often confuse this issue. They think they love the person for who he/she is, but it is actually just the person making them feel good and needed. Tragically this eventually becomes clear later in marriage when the initial honeymoon phase has faded away, and all you're left with is the other person.

Before entering into a serious relationship I think it is important to know yourself at least a little bit. Know where your strengths and weaknesses are so you can introspect about what you're really feeling about a person. Is it just exciting or ego-boosting to be receiving some attention, or are you really falling in love with who this person is? I know they say opposites attract, but when it comes to core morals and values, I think this couldn't be further from the truth. Eventually this catches up with you, and either partner will have to change their values and morals for the better (or worse).

Even though you can't choose your family and there is often conflict with the in-laws, the feedback from your friends and family is crucial. If people that know you very well are weary about your relationship (especially if it's not only one person that disapproves but a few), take some time to listen to them. They are probably doing so because they care about you, and not because they want to be malicious. And either your friends don't know you well, or you're with the wrong person.

It really makes me sad to see good people's lives turned upside down after only a few years of marriage. Great people that are just with the wrong partner that brings out the worst in them. I know what it's like to be in a bad relationship. By the grace of God I got out of there in time. Many friends disapproved, and I knew in my heart it was wrong. But only when I was ready to face this truth did I manage to get out. Some people only realise this truth way into the relationship: when they're married and have children. And then it's too late.

About marriage

I overheard two of my colleagues speaking today. One was saying that the reason he and his girlfriend don't want to get married is because when you're married, you are forced to be together. If you are not married, however, you are freely choosing to be with that person every day of your life. He said he wakes up every day and chooses to be with his partner because he loves her.

I do understand what he's saying, but you could say the same about marriage. Regardless of the religious reasons that are attached to the institution of marriage, is marriage not the ultimate sign of love and commitment? When you say "I do" (actually I just said "YES" and never "I do"), you are saying "I want to wake up next to you for the rest of my life. I choose you as my life partner." Marriage is not for sissies. This is the real deal. You have to love, and be very serious and committed to your partner. When you're just "together" it's easier to get out of the relationship - there's always that back door that you leave open... Just in case.

But even marriage has lost its importance. I see on Ricki Lake (I try not to watch this regularly, but what else is on between 1 and 2! It's either Ricki or Days...) - every other day the theme of the programme is cheating. Girlfriends cheating on boyfriends, husbands cheating on wives... Today for the first time in a long time I could really see that the wife who was being cheated on was genuinely hurt by this. Usually all parties seem rather unperturbed.

For my husband and I, marriage is Holy and wonderful and the ultimate sign of love and commitment. Not everyone seems to share our opinion though...