Pillow Talk

The most profound conversations seem to happen in the dying minutes of our waking hours. While my husband tries (in vain) to look for stars though the open window, and I fight with the duvet and pillows for the most comfortable spot, we seem to veer into realms of existential and profound discussions.

At times we’ll talk about theology or psychology. Often we discuss people. Our friends, our enemies. We try to figure out what makes them tick, what effect their pasts have had on their present. We try to understand people’s behaviour, their personalities, their reactions. Sometimes we get angry and say nasty things which we later regret and retract… But mostly we are trying to figure people out – fit all the wayward pieces of the puzzle together.

A lot of the time we are trying to figure ourselves out. We talk about our past, our deepest hurts, our sadness, our weaknesses, our spiritual journeys; our frustrations, our joys… We try to make sense of our moods, thoughts and emotions. We encourage each other, support each other, we hold hands and say how proud we are of each other and how much the other has to offer the world. We are mirrors to the other – gently exposing areas that need work, and encouraging each other’s strengths. I get my hair stroked and he gets his back scratched.

This is what I love about marriage. This is exactly what I signed up for when I said “Yes” to him. I can’t even imagine my life without these magic times…

6 months

I can hardly believe it, but it's our 6 month anniversary today. To think that 6 months ago I was sitting at the hairdresser under a rather uncomfortable dryer... Even though it feels like just yesterday that we said those vows, I just can't imagine life without my angel anymore. These 6 months have been full of wonderful moments, as well as more challenging ones. I can't imagine a better husband or a better first 6 months of marriage...

Husbandless

I SERIOUSLY take my hat off (I nearly wrote: take my fat off) to the likes of Mrs M and LT that spend a lot of time (all of their time in the case of Mrs M) away from their husbands. It's been one day and I am pining for him. When I came home from work yesterday it felt like I might as well stay at work since I'm not going home to much. It was rather depressing! And I keep checking my phone to see if he's sent me a msg.

Maybe I'm really feeling it because most of our friends are on holiday, so the only people I see are my colleagues at work. I think I should use this time to do some introspection, spend more time with God, paint my toenails, clean up the kitchen cupboards... Or something. LUCKILY I located one lone friend that is still here, so I'm having dinner with her tonight. Whew.

How do people cope with this?

The little things

After having lunch every day, my husband and I usually have a lie down for a few minutes until I have to go back to work. This afternoon as I lay down, I came across a piece of paper that had been stashed under my pillow. Curiously I removed it. In big black letters my husband had written "I love you so much my angel", and all around in red he had written little words from "our" language, and words and phrases that warmed my heart. And as I looked at his familiar and handsome face, I felt close to tears, and I just couldn't help feeling incredibly lucky. I have the best man in the world. It's these little things that make our marriage extraordinary.

Marriage and relationships revisited

My husband and I have been watching how marriages of friends are slowly falling apart around us. It's scary. People so often seem to choose the wrong life partners. Or maybe they choose partners for the wrong reasons. People are getting married later and later in their lives. You see people in their 30s that are still single. Maybe this is why they rush into something? The mere thought of staying on the shelf is too ghastly to contemplate that they would rather marry the wrong person (or their 3rd or 4th choice) than be single.

We've noticed that often people enter into relationships because the other person makes them feel good and needed, a self-confidence booster as it were. I'm not saying my husband doesn't do these things for me, but first and foremost I am totally and utterly in love with the person that he is. I love spending time with him because I love his heart and his soul, his personality, his wisdom, his mind: everything about him. The fact that he makes me feel good and is a confidence-booster for me is an added bonus, but it is not the reason I am with him.

I think people often confuse this issue. They think they love the person for who he/she is, but it is actually just the person making them feel good and needed. Tragically this eventually becomes clear later in marriage when the initial honeymoon phase has faded away, and all you're left with is the other person.

Before entering into a serious relationship I think it is important to know yourself at least a little bit. Know where your strengths and weaknesses are so you can introspect about what you're really feeling about a person. Is it just exciting or ego-boosting to be receiving some attention, or are you really falling in love with who this person is? I know they say opposites attract, but when it comes to core morals and values, I think this couldn't be further from the truth. Eventually this catches up with you, and either partner will have to change their values and morals for the better (or worse).

Even though you can't choose your family and there is often conflict with the in-laws, the feedback from your friends and family is crucial. If people that know you very well are weary about your relationship (especially if it's not only one person that disapproves but a few), take some time to listen to them. They are probably doing so because they care about you, and not because they want to be malicious. And either your friends don't know you well, or you're with the wrong person.

It really makes me sad to see good people's lives turned upside down after only a few years of marriage. Great people that are just with the wrong partner that brings out the worst in them. I know what it's like to be in a bad relationship. By the grace of God I got out of there in time. Many friends disapproved, and I knew in my heart it was wrong. But only when I was ready to face this truth did I manage to get out. Some people only realise this truth way into the relationship: when they're married and have children. And then it's too late.

About marriage

I overheard two of my colleagues speaking today. One was saying that the reason he and his girlfriend don't want to get married is because when you're married, you are forced to be together. If you are not married, however, you are freely choosing to be with that person every day of your life. He said he wakes up every day and chooses to be with his partner because he loves her.

I do understand what he's saying, but you could say the same about marriage. Regardless of the religious reasons that are attached to the institution of marriage, is marriage not the ultimate sign of love and commitment? When you say "I do" (actually I just said "YES" and never "I do"), you are saying "I want to wake up next to you for the rest of my life. I choose you as my life partner." Marriage is not for sissies. This is the real deal. You have to love, and be very serious and committed to your partner. When you're just "together" it's easier to get out of the relationship - there's always that back door that you leave open... Just in case.

But even marriage has lost its importance. I see on Ricki Lake (I try not to watch this regularly, but what else is on between 1 and 2! It's either Ricki or Days...) - every other day the theme of the programme is cheating. Girlfriends cheating on boyfriends, husbands cheating on wives... Today for the first time in a long time I could really see that the wife who was being cheated on was genuinely hurt by this. Usually all parties seem rather unperturbed.

For my husband and I, marriage is Holy and wonderful and the ultimate sign of love and commitment. Not everyone seems to share our opinion though...