It matters to me

People often say "Don't worry about what others think of you!", or "Why do you pay so much attention to what other people say about you?".

They make it sound so very easy. I find it very hard. Actually impossible a lot of the time.

Regardless of how good I feel about myself, my abilities, my choices and decisions, if someone (almost anyone) questions any of these, it matters. Things that I am convinced of, in which I am rooted, suddenly seem shaky*. I try to think back to times when I had such surety about these things. Suddenly I'm not so sure anymore. What was it again that made this so real, tangible and true for me? I find it especially hard to try to defend my choices and abilities. Even if what the person is saying is utterly ridiculous and just has no base in truth whatsoever, I am still taken aback for a while.

Only after I've discussed it with my husband, and thought it through a couple of times do I come to the realisation that they were, in fact, wrong.

What I do find rather curious is that when it's a compliment that I am given, it doesn't carry nearly as much weight as a criticism or a negative comment. For weeks, months (sometimes even years) I've carried around certain negative comments. Most days they are invisible - often buried deep as if they're not even there. It's only on certain days that they seem to haunt me again.

And that's when the comments come. "Don't worry about what others think about you! Don't pay attention to what they say!".

It's just not that easy folks.

Granted, I have gotten much better over the years. There were times in my life when my entire self esteem was built and depended on external sources. Imagine! I felt good when someone complimented me, I felt bad when someone (anyone) as much as breathed a comment that I could construe into something negative (10 to 1, it was probably not even meant that way). It was an emotional roller coaster from day to day. The unsurety of it all. When I look back now I see how unstable it all was. I am so much more rooted now. I know myself a lot better, and actually believe in myself enough to be able to assess the situation, and make up my mind as to whether this is something I want to listen to, assimilate and act upon or not.

But not before it has shaken things up a little. My mind likes to think the best of others, but always the worst of myself at first.

Recently, people really seem to be questioning what I have planned for the future. Immediately afterwards, I always seem to experience a bit of a dip. But after thinking about it, and discussing it with (wonderful-and-always-willing-to-listen-to-my-moaning) hubby, I realise that the people making the comments don't know me very well, and don't know where I am at: emotionally, spiritually, cognitively.

I guess the longer you live, the more time you have to deal with your insecurities, and discover who you really are, without having to depend on feedback from other people...

*The ONLY things in my life that cannot be shaken are my faith and my decision to marry my husband.