Marriage and relationships revisited

My husband and I have been watching how marriages of friends are slowly falling apart around us. It's scary. People so often seem to choose the wrong life partners. Or maybe they choose partners for the wrong reasons. People are getting married later and later in their lives. You see people in their 30s that are still single. Maybe this is why they rush into something? The mere thought of staying on the shelf is too ghastly to contemplate that they would rather marry the wrong person (or their 3rd or 4th choice) than be single.

We've noticed that often people enter into relationships because the other person makes them feel good and needed, a self-confidence booster as it were. I'm not saying my husband doesn't do these things for me, but first and foremost I am totally and utterly in love with the person that he is. I love spending time with him because I love his heart and his soul, his personality, his wisdom, his mind: everything about him. The fact that he makes me feel good and is a confidence-booster for me is an added bonus, but it is not the reason I am with him.

I think people often confuse this issue. They think they love the person for who he/she is, but it is actually just the person making them feel good and needed. Tragically this eventually becomes clear later in marriage when the initial honeymoon phase has faded away, and all you're left with is the other person.

Before entering into a serious relationship I think it is important to know yourself at least a little bit. Know where your strengths and weaknesses are so you can introspect about what you're really feeling about a person. Is it just exciting or ego-boosting to be receiving some attention, or are you really falling in love with who this person is? I know they say opposites attract, but when it comes to core morals and values, I think this couldn't be further from the truth. Eventually this catches up with you, and either partner will have to change their values and morals for the better (or worse).

Even though you can't choose your family and there is often conflict with the in-laws, the feedback from your friends and family is crucial. If people that know you very well are weary about your relationship (especially if it's not only one person that disapproves but a few), take some time to listen to them. They are probably doing so because they care about you, and not because they want to be malicious. And either your friends don't know you well, or you're with the wrong person.

It really makes me sad to see good people's lives turned upside down after only a few years of marriage. Great people that are just with the wrong partner that brings out the worst in them. I know what it's like to be in a bad relationship. By the grace of God I got out of there in time. Many friends disapproved, and I knew in my heart it was wrong. But only when I was ready to face this truth did I manage to get out. Some people only realise this truth way into the relationship: when they're married and have children. And then it's too late.