Forced absence

It seems as though my little fling with blogging has to come to a grinding halt. As much as I would love to continue blogging (daily if I had my way), time-wise it is just not possible. Work is just really hectic at the moment, and I don't find a moment of peace to put my profound, silly or just boring thoughts on cyber paper. I thought about writing some things at home and then posting them from work, but now my home time is just as much restricted due to this new study endeavour of mine. And then in April we'll be relocating. So who knows whether our uncertain future includes Internet access. I will really try to post as often as I can, but as of now, I am taking forced leave from blogging...

:(

Coversations in my head

I often have conversations in my head with people that are in my life. Ten to one these conversations never happen. And if they do, I usually don't say what I said in my head. In my head I am eloquent and expressive; I can talk for hours about one topic - telling all details. In my head. When I'm sitting in front of the person I suddenly don't seem to have that much to say. Suddenly my story doesn't seem as significant as it did when I was saying it in my head... I usually have these conversations when I'm running. Occasionally I will have an involuntary conversation while I'm sitting in the car, or trying to understand VAT. I mostly have conversations with friends. Sometimes with colleagues, my parents... Sometimes with some unknown stranger. A lot of the time it's about the most random of things. How inconsistent my running has been lately, the gory details of my venture into bookkeeping studies... All the stuff that, perhaps, I can't seem to share with anyone. Perhaps I sound a little ungrateful... It goes without saying, of course, that my husband is always there to listen to my ramblings. ALWAYS. And goodness knows I ramble to him. And I have friends. Many good ones. But I miss having that one friend. You know. That once in a lifetime kind of friend... Perhaps it is too much to ask. Like a luxury. Not something that you really NEED. Just something that's nice to have.

Fear

It's become increasingly clear to me that most problems stem from or involve fear. I wouldn't really term myself a fearful person, but at closer inspection it becomes frightfully (excuse the pun) obvious that I am very afraid. Of a lot of things. I'm afraid to do something wrong at work. I'm afraid that I won't find a job when we move. I'm afraid of losing my husband. I'm afraid of interactions with strangers. I'm afraid of not being able to fall pregnant. I'm afraid of falling pregnant. I'm afraid of not making any more good friends in my life. Afraid afraid afraid...

People in this country are afraid as a collective. Afraid of crime. Afraid that Jacob Zuma might be the next president. Afraid they won't get a job because of their skin colour. Afraid afraid afraid...

Fear is not from God, however.

I hold onto that hope.

I wish I wish...

I wish I had more time to spend on thinking about interesting posts to write. At night when I don't fall asleep immediately I think about how on earth we are going to move to PE in April. Will we find someone with a Bakkie? Or a trailer? Or will we have a moving van? But who will pay? I dream about cash journals and the double entry rule. Just before I nod off I'm figuring out why on earth there is a purchases column in the cash payments journal. And I keep going over what c/d and b/d could possibly stand for. I keep forgetting to book my reflexology treatment that my husband gave me for my birthday. Time in this town is running out... I spend my days receiving stock and answering the phone and doing quotes. I process orders and take payments.

A year ago we were getting ready for our wedding...

New beginnings

People love the idea of new beginnings. Of having a clean slate. Starting afresh. Forgetting the bad that happened in the past. The new year is a perfect time for this. Fresh starts and new years resolutions. I'm not really into that though. New years resolutions never last anyway. If you wanna make a change, why wait for a new year?

My husband says that, despite the wedding, 2007 is a year he'd rather forget. Maybe I wouldn't be saying this if my life was a little more challenging than it is*, but even a terrible year has some good times. 2007 was tough, but at the same time it was our first year of marriage, and we experienced many times where we were really blessed in terms of finances, friends and fun. Yeah, yeah. I'm the glass full kinda person.

It often frustrates me when others don't seem to share this attitude of mine. I'm not talking about serious suffering like death and emotional trauma. I'm talking about life. With all its ups and downs. Negative people really get me down. I just can't stand it when someone complains about everything. Money, prices, crime, sport blah blah. After a few days I find myself doing the same! Complaining about people in the traffic or goodness knows what. That's just not like me. I end up angry at myself for succumbing to the negativity. It sometimes is just such a force that I can't seem to fight against.

Funny, my family was never one to complain at all really. Most of the time my parents would try to see the positive things in the situation. I seriously appreciate that now, yet can't seem to deal with negative people very well. Plus, when the person being negative has been through a great deal of suffering can you really tell them where to climb off? I mean, they're obviously negative for a good reason! It makes me feel even worse actually - like I'm expecting them to just get over it and be positive.

The war in my mind.

So this year is one of exciting new things. Firstly I started studying again. Secondly our good friends are going to have a baby girl! And we will be moving away from this sleepy hollow TOWN (it just can't even be called a city). Plus my husband will officially start working.

*I mean, who doesn't have issues, but I'm much better off than some other people in the world.

PS. I thought a new background would be nice for a new year...

When the cat's away...

I'm actually sitting in the manager's office right now and typing this. I'm feeling a little guilty... Even though I know she wouldn't mind. I think. It does feel a bit weird though... In the manager's chair, at the manager's computer. And Facebooking in the other window. Hihi.

Yeah. This is the last trading day for 2007. My husband is doing research on my machine (he works waaay too hard), so I had no other option really than to use the manager's. We have not had a single sale today. Only one bloke came in looking for some books we didn't have...

I'm totally being a little rebellious today anyway. Not wearing my work shirt, or anything remotely smart really. But my prized Australian outfit from my sister-in-law.

So.

I will only be able to post in 2008 again. Til then!

Has it lost its lustre?

Another blogger bites the dust.

OK. Not all that bad. But blogging has really taken a back seat for me lately. I wish I had time to put down all that's on my mind. But perhaps I feel this medium is not secure enough to pour out my deepest emotions.

I could take the route of current affairs. Ranting and raving about Jacob Zuma being the new ANC president. I mean, not that I didn't expect it. In South Africa nothing surprises me anymore. Not even when supposedly educated people vote for a man that was on trial for rape, had sex with an HIV positive woman and took a shower afterwards as an "extra precaution", has dodgy credentials i.t.o corruption, and sings about picking up your AK47s. But people love him. Goodness knows why. I'd like to believe that people have more sense than to be swept up in a wave of hero worship for a prolific speaker. He can't seem to do anything wrong. He's the leader for the people. But don't they all promise that? More jobs, less poverty blah blah. It's all idle talk. Perhaps I should have more faith. Perhaps Jacob Zuma will turn out to be a good leader that actually does get stuff done...

What's the chance.

The NPA is out only hope.

Well wow. There you go. Current affairs wasn't all that difficult to write about was it.

I sometimes feel that writing entirely about myself all the time - my random daily experiences - must be pretty boring for the expansive blogosphere out there. Here's this question again. WHO am I writing for?! Myself? Or the people I know will read this. It's kinda like when psychologists do experiments with people. The fact that the people know that they are in an experiment changes their reactions. So does my knowing who reads this change what I write? ABSOLUTELY. It shouldn't be like that. I should be able to just express myself the way I want. But then, I don't want to tread on toes...

Dilemma.

Do I put my best foot forward in what I write? Of course! I don't want to be subjected to criticism about myself when this is MY blog. Where I can write what I want. But I can't.

HA! Yeah. That's got me all in a knot.

I haven't been feeling very Christmassy lately. It's been all work and worry and blah. But yesterday we managed to find a real Christmas tree! And my manager has given me the afternoons off this week. It's been so great cause my mom in law is here, and we're going shopping, and having coffee together, buying Christmas decor etc...

Soon I will be on leave for a few days.

Be good all. And have a merry Christmas!!